My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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