Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
True strength comes from lack of pants
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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