So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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