So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
