I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
