Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
