Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
My first STD was from a foam party
I need help removing her.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
