So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
