If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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