Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
