She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
