Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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