Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
