I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
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