I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
