yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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