I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
