final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
