I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You are the jesus of drinking
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
