so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
