So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
