just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Randomize
