mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
