Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
