drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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