you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
