3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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