my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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