I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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