worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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