Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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