do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
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