I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
