his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
