The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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