while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
the raccoons are back...
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