Well apparently he's into motor boating.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize