Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
