Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
