It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
