What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
