Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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