I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
