I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
