I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize