I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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