made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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