I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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