He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
