Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
