highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
