just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
