if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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