I wish I only lived at night.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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