and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize